First star I see tonight
I wish I may I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.
I wish I understood what God had in mind when He created me!
As I sat in church on Sunday evening, watching several of our choirs perform this year’s Easter concert, I found myself not only struggling with some of the losses I have been dealing with lately, but also struggling not to let myself be pulled “under” again because honestly, it would be so easy for me to walk away from God right now and go it alone.
Eighteen months ago I lost my singing voice. As a former soprano, and trained opera singer, with a 3½ octave range, I cannot tell you how much it hurts to not be able to sing – especially since I have been singing since the age of 5. More recently I lost primary use of my left shoulder – which also means I have lost my ability to swim, something else that I love to do and that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Additionally, I also cannot remember the last time – if ever – that I actually felt any sense of true, deep-seated joy in my life.
Last week I started reading the book I am Second, which focuses on people who have given their lives to Christ so that He would become their Everything in life. Honestly, I thought I had done this, too, as that has been my constant prayer (i.e. become my ‘Everything’). However, unlike the “life-changing epiphanies” the interviewees in the book have experienced, I feel like I am still trying to find that deep, intimate relationship with Christ that I have known in the past.
For now, though, when it comes to my own life, I don’t even know why I’m on this planet.
Unlike the people in the book, I do not know what my purpose is in life. Instead, I am frustrated by the fact that the things I love to do, and which make me happy (singing, acting, swimming), have been taken away from me. I am tired of the politics I see in certain arenas, yet I also know that the things that bother me are never going to change. And, I am really hurt and confused by the fact that the wife of a friend of mine doesn’t seem to like me, but rather treats me with seeming disdain whenever she sees me. This is especially bothersome because she is someone I respect at great deal and I thought we were friends, as well.
After all of the “growing” I have done over the last three years, I know that everything I am struggling with right now has already been filtered through the hands of God. And, while I do not know if this is true or not, yesterday the thought occurred to me that maybe I’m meant to be nothing more than one of the “worker bees” in the kingdom of God: that my life is meant to be nothing more than one of constant struggle, and void of happiness and/or joy, because that is all I have known.
A couple of years ago, as I grappled with the depth of what has taken place in my life, I was grateful for the counsel I received from someone who God placed in my life and with whom I was able to let my guard down, in order to safely open up and be “known” in a way that I had never before experienced. However, at this point in time, that person’s support is no longer available.
So, I have become very good at “playing the part” and hiding my pain from others. On the outside, I look like someone who “has it altogether.” On the inside, however, pain and sadness remain my closest – and constant – companions once again.
Praying that God would grant me even the smallest amount of joy in my life ...