The Goodness of God

Last weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about one of the issues I have with God at the moment, which has really made me question His goodness.

It started last November when I read this verse in Psalm 121:

“The Lord will keep you from all harm -- he will watch over your life.” (Psalm 121:7 NIV)

In light of some of the things that have happened in my life, the first thought that crossed my mind when I read that verse -- and which I shared with my pastor -- was “what a load of crap!” (Again, my goal here is to be completely transparent with you, so that was my honest reaction. Gratefully, my pastor is not judgmental!)

I can’t tell you how angry that verse made me! And while my pastor explained to me that I needed to put it into context (i.e. remember who the Psalms were written for, and what was taking place in the world at that point in time), it still really made me mad. It also made me really start questioning not only the goodness of God, but if “He” was “the God” I wanted to follow and the One in Whom I wanted to believe. As a result of all my questioning, I completely lost my ability to trust Him.

Can I be honest with you? Even though I’ve believed in God since childhood, during the past 10 months, as I’ve gotten a clearer picture of what has taken place in my life, I’m still not in a place where I’m ready to trust Him 100%. The good news is that none of this comes as a surprise to Him, as He knows my thoughts before I think them, and my words before I say them. ☺

I wish I could tell you that I don’t challenge God to “prove” Himself to me, but that would be a lie. Instead, for the last couple of weeks, I have literally asked Him to reveal Himself -- and His goodness -- to me every single day. And while He has faithfully done so, even now I still cannot yet worship Him as He deserves. However, I am hopeful that one day in the not-too-distant-future I will be able to do so once again!

Have a blessed weekend ...
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Empty on the Inside

In an effort to be as transparent as possible, and with the desire to encourage others through my own experiences, I have to be honest with you: I’m really struggling with my faith right now – all the way around.

First of all, I’m struggling physically with a painful issue that I’ve been dealing with off and on for several years now, and which has really kicked into high gear recently. Unfortunately, it is something that cannot be cured by a physician, but instead, falls under the category of Paul’s prayer:

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:8-9 NIV)

However, if I’m honest with myself -- and with you -- I’m not finding His grace to be sufficient at all right now.

Secondly, as you may have read in my very first blog, back in June I finally discovered what the core struggle of my faith was really about. And while I cannot yet share the details of my struggle, another big challenge I’m having is trying to find my “delight in God.”

I recently read this quote in John Piper’s book, “When I Don’t Desire God”:

"We must delight in God. And only God can change our hearts so that we delight in God."

Unfortunately, I’m not finding any delight in God. Instead, I’m finding myself really being challenged by this quote from Randy Alcorn:

"The almighty God who created us is the same holy God who condemned us as sinners and the same loving God who went to extraordinary lengths that we might go to Heaven."

Ironically, before I ever read that statement, I wrote this in an email to someone earlier this year:

“God created us for Himself, but doesn't need us; Wants to be in relationship with us but won't force it; Wants us to worship Him and have faith in Him, yet will destroy us if we don't believe; Is perfect yet cannot be in relationship with us (even though He created us), without the need to create and send Christ to earth.”

Seriously? You created us; condemned us, and then sent your Son to die for us? What’s up with that?!!

And yet, although I am not finding His grace sufficient, and am unable to find my delight in Him, He continues to be faithful to me through answered prayer.

Last week, in an effort to (hopefully) recreate the intimate relationship He and I have shared in the past, I asked God to show Himself to me through His creation because until a couple of years ago, it was the one way in which I was really able to celebrate His glory.

So, in answer to my prayer, over the past several days He has provided the most amazing cloud formations I’ve ever seen; some absolutely fabulous thunder storms; several rainbows; a double rainbow, and then this afternoon He sent this doe and her fawn to my backyard.




Yet even through all of this, I’m still finding myself unable to worship Him as He deserves to be worshiped.

Truth be told, I miss the close relationship we’ve shared. I miss being in awe of His creation. I miss having a heart of true worship. I miss the simplicity of taking Him at His word no matter what my human mind may tell me.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV)

But most importantly I miss being able to accept, without question, the fact that …

“Our God is in heaven. He does what he pleases.” (Psalm 115:3 NCV)

So for now, I find myself feeling incredibly empty on the inside. And while I know that we’re not supposed to trust our feelings, as the creative, emotional human being that He made me to be, those feelings are a very strong part of who I am and Whose I am.

Until next time …
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Catching Up

As I continue to recover from the place of complete burnout, exhaustion and crankiness I've been in for the last few weeks, I wish I had some brilliant revelations to share with you, but I don't!

However, I did read this quote the other day (in a book by John Piper), in which he talks about the importance of asking others to pray for us. While I love what he says, I'm also saddened to say that it also represents my heart right now:

"We should to confess to them [others] our struggles, and we should ask them to pray that we would be 'healed' from our half-hearted love for Jesus."

So as I continue to struggle with my complete inability to understand what God is doing in my life right now -- except keep me off-balance -- I would ask you to pray for me, that I can love Him with my whole heart and truly trust that He is, indeed, in control!

Thanks ...
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The Humanity of Christ

One Sunday evening a group of people from my church, who recently took a trip to Israel, shared their experiences with the congregation and a couple of people spoke about their visit to the Garden of Gethsemane.

I’ve spent a great deal of time contemplating the humanity of Christ on that evening before his death, and recently noticed the parallels between Christ’s time alone in Gethsemane and a situation that a friend of mine may be facing in the very near future.

Now, let me be very clear on this: my friend’s situation is nowhere near the literal life and death situation that Christ faced. Instead, my friend’s challenge is around something they may be asked to do (for someone else) that will prove to be extremely emotionally difficult for them. In fact, my friend shared that they have basically been praying the same prayer that Christ prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane:

“My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39 ESV)

And that’s the focus of today’s blog … The Humanity of Christ.

“… who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:6-8 ESV)

That’s where the humanity of Christ amazes me: Christ willingly submitted Himself to be crucified on a cross: the most degrading kind of execution that could possibly be inflicted on someone at that time. Additionally, not only did He do it for those who were believers (and for those who would become believers), but He also did it for all those who laughed at Him and scorned Him to His face. Can you imagine?

And the part of Christ’s humanity that touches me the most is this: In His “humanness” He asked His friends to be with Him, and to support Him, on the night before his crucifixion because He was in a great deal of emotional pain:

“He said to them, ‘My heart is full of sorrow, to the point of death. Stay here and watch with me.’” (Matthew 26:38 NCV)

Yes, in His humanity, even Christ was not immune to emotional pain. None of us are! And yet what did His friends do? They fell asleep!

The interesting thing about my friend’s situation is that ever since they shared it with me, the thought that keeps crossing my mind is “what a great gift” they may be given! Now while my friend may not see it that way, the reason I see it as a gift is because it will be the last opportunity they will have to do something for this other person. Yes it will be emotionally difficult for my friend, just as Christ’s time alone in the Garden was painful for Him …

“Being full of pain, Jesus prayed even harder. His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.” (Luke 22:44 NCV)

However, because every experience that God allows to take place in our lives is for the purpose of accomplishing His will and bringing Him glory, I would like to encourage my friend to remember that this situation is not about them; it’s about Him … and ONLY HIM!

And if this situation does come to fruition, it will provide my friend with an amazing opportunity to literally be used to bring glory to the One Who gives life to all, knowing that:

“If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ.” (1 Peter 4:11 NIV)

How cool is that? No matter how difficult the situation may be on my friend, God will give both the words to speak and the strength to serve, so that in the end He Himself will be glorified!
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The Lonely Place of Solitude

“That evening at sundown they brought to him all who were sick or oppressed by demons. And the whole city was gathered together at the door. And he healed many who were sick with various diseases, and cast out many demons. And he would not permit the demons to speak, because they knew him. And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed.” (Mark 1:32-35 ESV)

During my time as a Hollywood agent, I worked with another agent who had an extremely gifted daughter. This young lady (now a young woman in college) was one of those kids who was good at everything she tried, and as a result was involved in activity, after activity, after activity. She sang in the choir, played in the orchestra, was on the soccer team, got straight A’s, and basically (in my opinion) had no childhood, at all.

Please note that with regard to that last statement, it’s just my opinion. She may have loved being so busy and active that both she and her parents were on the go from morning till night. Granted, I’m not a parent. But when I see something like that I often wonder how they do it!

How do you have a quality life when you’re constantly on the go? How do you have a quality relationship with your kids when they’re involved in everything under the sun? How do you have intimacy with your spouse when you’re running your kids everywhere? And, even more importantly, how do you have a quality relationship with God that’s more than just “ten minutes here and there," whenever it's convenient to fit Him into your life? Truth be told, I’m worn out just thinking about it! Of course, that may be because I’m still exhausted at the moment.

This morning I read a book entitled Out of Solitude by Henri Nouwen, and I want to share some of his writings that really resonated with me:

“I have the sense that the secret of Jesus’ ministry is hidden in that lonely place where he went to pray, early in the morning, long before dawn …

In the lonely place Jesus finds the courage to follow God’s will and not his own; to speak God’s words and not his own; to do God’s work and not his own …

It is in the lonely place, where Jesus enters into intimacy with the Father, that his ministry is born.”

One of the things I’ve learned is that “busyness” is often nothing more than a way to avoid pain. Whether it’s used to avoid the reality that I hate my job; I’m in an unhealthy relationship that needs to end or things in my life just aren’t working and I need to make some changes (been there, done that, on all three accounts!), it is far easier to keep myself busy than to face the things I need to deal with head-on!

And because there is so much pain in this world, and because God never promised us an easy road, it’s no wonder that we fill our lives with so much “stuff,” and so many activities, that we often don’t know whether we’re coming or going! (Again, I know whereof I speak ...)

Then, just when we think we’ve got it all under control, it all comes crashing down around us and we’re forced to pay attention! Or, we’re forced to take a break in order to spend time in solitude with the One Who knows us better than we know ourselves:

“You made my whole being; you formed me in my mother’s body … All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old.” (Psalm 139:13,16 NCV)

My prayer for today is that I will find intimacy with Christ, as I rest in the loneliness of solitude. May it be yours, as well.
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A Time for Everything

When I was in college I went to Florida for Spring Break (no, not that kind of Spring Break!) to see my grandmother. The first night I was there I slept for 36 hours.

Years later, during my travels with Up With People, I slept for 24 hours one day, and did the same thing again a couple of times during my years as a Hollywood talent agent.

One of the things I’ve learned about myself (as an extremely creative person) is that I burn the candle at both ends and then collapse in the middle. And when that happens, I need to take time off to rest and recuperate.

Yesterday, after I broke down in tears due to complete exhaustion, I knew I’d hit the wall yet again. So today I made several decisions: (1) Cancel the 10-day business trip I was supposed to leave on tomorrow; (2) Take the rest of this week off, and (3) Spend today resting (which I did – sleeping and reading).

The interesting part of all of this is that I actually had no qualms about canceling my trip (which is not what I would have done in the past). And, even more importantly, God confirmed that I made the right decision this afternoon.

Just as Christ took time to be alone, rest and pray, I know it’s one of the best things I can do for myself right now. Tonight I read this Living Insight by Charles Swindoll and it says it all perfectly:

“We are to be diligent to enter into rest. That doesn’t mean we adopt a lazy, irresponsible lifestyle full of indolence and inactivity. No, this is first and foremost a mental rest, a quiet confidence in the living Lord. A refusal to churn, to fret, to strive.”

That said, it’s time for bed … Good Night!
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Jesus Wept

"Jesus Wept." (John 11:35)

So glad to know that Jesus wept because I am so far beyond the boundary of exhausted that it's about all I can do right now (i.e. cry)!
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