"Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay" (Psalm 40:16).
Forgive me, Lord, for I cannot conceal the desires of my heart. Yet, I am not strong enough to vanquish them on my own.
You are my Help and Deliverer. Do not hide Yourself from me, Father, but instead deliver me right now ...
"Be pleased, O Lord, to save me; O Lord, come quickly to help me" (Psalm 40:13).
✞
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Star Light, Star Bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.
I wish I understood what God had in mind when He created me!
As I sat in church on Sunday evening, watching several of our choirs perform this year’s Easter concert, I found myself not only struggling with some of the losses I have been dealing with lately, but also struggling not to let myself be pulled “under” again because honestly, it would be so easy for me to walk away from God right now and go it alone.
Eighteen months ago I lost my singing voice. As a former soprano, and trained opera singer, with a 3½ octave range, I cannot tell you how much it hurts to not be able to sing – especially since I have been singing since the age of 5. More recently I lost primary use of my left shoulder – which also means I have lost my ability to swim, something else that I love to do and that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Additionally, I also cannot remember the last time – if ever – that I actually felt any sense of true, deep-seated joy in my life.
Last week I started reading the book I am Second, which focuses on people who have given their lives to Christ so that He would become their Everything in life. Honestly, I thought I had done this, too, as that has been my constant prayer (i.e. become my ‘Everything’). However, unlike the “life-changing epiphanies” the interviewees in the book have experienced, I feel like I am still trying to find that deep, intimate relationship with Christ that I have known in the past.
For now, though, when it comes to my own life, I don’t even know why I’m on this planet.
Unlike the people in the book, I do not know what my purpose is in life. Instead, I am frustrated by the fact that the things I love to do, and which make me happy (singing, acting, swimming), have been taken away from me. I am tired of the politics I see in certain arenas, yet I also know that the things that bother me are never going to change. And, I am really hurt and confused by the fact that the wife of a friend of mine doesn’t seem to like me, but rather treats me with seeming disdain whenever she sees me. This is especially bothersome because she is someone I respect at great deal and I thought we were friends, as well.
After all of the “growing” I have done over the last three years, I know that everything I am struggling with right now has already been filtered through the hands of God. And, while I do not know if this is true or not, yesterday the thought occurred to me that maybe I’m meant to be nothing more than one of the “worker bees” in the kingdom of God: that my life is meant to be nothing more than one of constant struggle, and void of happiness and/or joy, because that is all I have known.
A couple of years ago, as I grappled with the depth of what has taken place in my life, I was grateful for the counsel I received from someone who God placed in my life and with whom I was able to let my guard down, in order to safely open up and be “known” in a way that I had never before experienced. However, at this point in time, that person’s support is no longer available.
So, I have become very good at “playing the part” and hiding my pain from others. On the outside, I look like someone who “has it altogether.” On the inside, however, pain and sadness remain my closest – and constant – companions once again.
Praying that God would grant me even the smallest amount of joy in my life ...
✞
I wish I may I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.
I wish I understood what God had in mind when He created me!
As I sat in church on Sunday evening, watching several of our choirs perform this year’s Easter concert, I found myself not only struggling with some of the losses I have been dealing with lately, but also struggling not to let myself be pulled “under” again because honestly, it would be so easy for me to walk away from God right now and go it alone.
Eighteen months ago I lost my singing voice. As a former soprano, and trained opera singer, with a 3½ octave range, I cannot tell you how much it hurts to not be able to sing – especially since I have been singing since the age of 5. More recently I lost primary use of my left shoulder – which also means I have lost my ability to swim, something else that I love to do and that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Additionally, I also cannot remember the last time – if ever – that I actually felt any sense of true, deep-seated joy in my life.
Last week I started reading the book I am Second, which focuses on people who have given their lives to Christ so that He would become their Everything in life. Honestly, I thought I had done this, too, as that has been my constant prayer (i.e. become my ‘Everything’). However, unlike the “life-changing epiphanies” the interviewees in the book have experienced, I feel like I am still trying to find that deep, intimate relationship with Christ that I have known in the past.
For now, though, when it comes to my own life, I don’t even know why I’m on this planet.
Unlike the people in the book, I do not know what my purpose is in life. Instead, I am frustrated by the fact that the things I love to do, and which make me happy (singing, acting, swimming), have been taken away from me. I am tired of the politics I see in certain arenas, yet I also know that the things that bother me are never going to change. And, I am really hurt and confused by the fact that the wife of a friend of mine doesn’t seem to like me, but rather treats me with seeming disdain whenever she sees me. This is especially bothersome because she is someone I respect at great deal and I thought we were friends, as well.
After all of the “growing” I have done over the last three years, I know that everything I am struggling with right now has already been filtered through the hands of God. And, while I do not know if this is true or not, yesterday the thought occurred to me that maybe I’m meant to be nothing more than one of the “worker bees” in the kingdom of God: that my life is meant to be nothing more than one of constant struggle, and void of happiness and/or joy, because that is all I have known.
A couple of years ago, as I grappled with the depth of what has taken place in my life, I was grateful for the counsel I received from someone who God placed in my life and with whom I was able to let my guard down, in order to safely open up and be “known” in a way that I had never before experienced. However, at this point in time, that person’s support is no longer available.
So, I have become very good at “playing the part” and hiding my pain from others. On the outside, I look like someone who “has it altogether.” On the inside, however, pain and sadness remain my closest – and constant – companions once again.
Praying that God would grant me even the smallest amount of joy in my life ...
✞
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Food for Thought
Choosing to live life on your terms, rather than God's, means choosing to miss out on His best for your life!
Praying that each one of us will choose wisely ...
✞
Praying that each one of us will choose wisely ...
✞
Monday, December 5, 2011
Perseverence in Pain
Dealing with some intense shooting pains and holding onto this hope:
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."
(1 Peter 4:12-13)
Sometimes (like now), it's hard to rejoice in this suffering, as it serves as a painful reminder of what once was and what will never be again ...
✞
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."
(1 Peter 4:12-13)
Sometimes (like now), it's hard to rejoice in this suffering, as it serves as a painful reminder of what once was and what will never be again ...
✞
Sunday, December 4, 2011
God's Promise
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
(Psalm 34:18)
Clinging to His promise even as I write this ...
✞
(Psalm 34:18)
Clinging to His promise even as I write this ...
✞
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Things Behind the Sun
After waiting 11 years, I finally watched the movie, "Things Behind the Sun," last night. Still, I wish I knew "why," and am sad and angry at the loss of childhood innocence.
Thankful for Deuteronomy 29:29 ...
"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever ..."
Even at this moment I am struggling with the painful physical aftermath, and crying out to the Lord my God ...
"My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."
(Psalm 63:8)
Trusting in His Sovereign Grace,
✞
Thankful for Deuteronomy 29:29 ...
"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever ..."
Even at this moment I am struggling with the painful physical aftermath, and crying out to the Lord my God ...
"My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."
(Psalm 63:8)
Trusting in His Sovereign Grace,
✞
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Seasons of Life
This morning I decided to go to McDonald’s for breakfast because I had a taste for an Egg McMuffin. As I was waiting for my order at the drive-thru window, I noticed a sign inside the cashier’s window informing the cashier that the service time for each customer was to be no more than 10-15 seconds.
“Typical” was the first thought that crossed my mind because we have become a society which does not want to wait for anything. Rather, we expect our lives to be easy and when challenges arise we expect them to be resolved instantly! And, as I drove home in the snow (our first snow-fall of the season, announcing that winter had arrived), the next thought that crossed my mind was “aren’t we lucky that God gives us the winters of our lives so that we can then appreciate the spring times when they arrive!”
“My soul is in anguish, how long, O Lord, how long?”
(Psalm 6:3)
Two years ago (this month), my own “winter” began and, truth be told, there were times when I thought I would never make it through to the other side (i.e. “springtime”). In fact, even as I write this I’m dealing with shooting pains that have no known explanation and no cure, but rather are the residual effects of past trauma (part of my “winter”) and are so excruciating at times that they will actually stop me dead in my tracks.
“So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.”
(Psalm 143:4)
The good news is that two weeks ago, after a week of horrible dreams and nightmares, continuous shooting pains, and a brief conversation with my pastor about how to process all of this, I finally had the realization that perhaps I’m the lucky one with these dreams and shooting pains because they serve as a constant reminder that I am completely dependent upon the grace of God (like Paul’s thorn) – otherwise I might be tempted to go it alone! Been there, done that, and it was a complete disaster!
“For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”
(Proverbs 2:6)
I wish I could tell you that this period of winter was completely over and that springtime had arrived but that would be a lie. There are still days when the showers are not hot enough and the shooting pains feel like they are too much to bear. However, I cannot trust my feelings. Instead, I must cling to the promises of God’s Word and to the truth of His character, knowing that while I may feel alone and scared, the truth is that He is right here with me, He is in control and He is God!
“For You are great and do wondrous deeds; You alone are God.”
(Psalm 86:10)
Today's Prayer: O, Holy Father, please help us to always remember that no matter what we may feel, the truth of Your Word tells us that You, and You alone, will deliver us from the depths of despair, but only if we seek You with all of our heart, all of our mind and all of our strength, acknowledging that You alone are God! Thank you for loving us too much to allow us to stay the same, no matter how much it may hurt at times!
✞
“Typical” was the first thought that crossed my mind because we have become a society which does not want to wait for anything. Rather, we expect our lives to be easy and when challenges arise we expect them to be resolved instantly! And, as I drove home in the snow (our first snow-fall of the season, announcing that winter had arrived), the next thought that crossed my mind was “aren’t we lucky that God gives us the winters of our lives so that we can then appreciate the spring times when they arrive!”
“My soul is in anguish, how long, O Lord, how long?”
(Psalm 6:3)
Two years ago (this month), my own “winter” began and, truth be told, there were times when I thought I would never make it through to the other side (i.e. “springtime”). In fact, even as I write this I’m dealing with shooting pains that have no known explanation and no cure, but rather are the residual effects of past trauma (part of my “winter”) and are so excruciating at times that they will actually stop me dead in my tracks.
“So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.”
(Psalm 143:4)
The good news is that two weeks ago, after a week of horrible dreams and nightmares, continuous shooting pains, and a brief conversation with my pastor about how to process all of this, I finally had the realization that perhaps I’m the lucky one with these dreams and shooting pains because they serve as a constant reminder that I am completely dependent upon the grace of God (like Paul’s thorn) – otherwise I might be tempted to go it alone! Been there, done that, and it was a complete disaster!
“For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”
(Proverbs 2:6)
I wish I could tell you that this period of winter was completely over and that springtime had arrived but that would be a lie. There are still days when the showers are not hot enough and the shooting pains feel like they are too much to bear. However, I cannot trust my feelings. Instead, I must cling to the promises of God’s Word and to the truth of His character, knowing that while I may feel alone and scared, the truth is that He is right here with me, He is in control and He is God!
“For You are great and do wondrous deeds; You alone are God.”
(Psalm 86:10)
Today's Prayer: O, Holy Father, please help us to always remember that no matter what we may feel, the truth of Your Word tells us that You, and You alone, will deliver us from the depths of despair, but only if we seek You with all of our heart, all of our mind and all of our strength, acknowledging that You alone are God! Thank you for loving us too much to allow us to stay the same, no matter how much it may hurt at times!
✞
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