But our God is in the heavens;
He does whatever He pleases.
~ Psalm 115:3
I have a confession to make: I am not too happy with the current trial that God has allowed to re-enter my life right now! For one thing, I have already been down this road. Three years ago. It was what started my entire struggle with my faith and took me down some of the most painful roads of my life: literally and figuratively. I thought we were done with all of that. Now it appears that “I thought wrong!”
The other day I received a poster in the mail from my mom with this saying on it:
If God brings you to it,
He will see you through it.
Happy moments praise God.
Difficult moments seek God.
Quiet moments worship God.
Painful moments trust God.
Every moment thank God.
Regardless of all of those wonderful “words of wisdom,” I do not want to do this again. Truthfully, I do not even know how to do this again. Last time I went through this I had someone with whom to counsel. This time I feel like I am very much on my own … and I am scared.
Not scared to deal with it again, as I am already very clear on what took place! Rather I am scared that the exercises I am being given to help my body heal will not work, because nothing else has thus far. On top of that, the phantom shooting pains have returned. Some mild. Some not so mild. Some strong enough to make me writhe in pain. In any case, they are back: a not so subtle daily reminder of the past.
Of course, the truth of the matter is this: God does not need my permission to bring this trial back into my life. As Psalm 115 states above, He can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants. That is His prerogative. I do not have to like it. I do not even have to agree with it. But unless -- or until -- He chooses to take this trial away, I do have to deal with it and that is where my personal choice comes into play.
I can choose to go through it gracefully, praying that He is glorified through it all. Or, I can choose to go through it kicking and screaming every step of the way, focusing on myself. Either way, the choice is still mine to make.
So can I be honest with you? Right now, I really want to choose the kicking and screaming option!