You who have shown me many troubles and distresses will revive me again, and will bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
~ Psalm 71:20
When I first started this blog, Pandora’s box had just exploded open in my life and I was struggling to get a foothold as everything I knew about my life and my faith in God was being turned upside down and inside out.
Every day was a struggle just to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. To say I was in survival mode was an understatement.
I could not eat.
I could not sleep.
Most days I could barely even breathe.
So it is with a heavy heart that I find myself in distress once again, as I now deal with the physical realities (i.e. the physical aftermath) of my past.
Three years ago, during a visit to my chiropractor here in Montana, I was told that my hips were completely locked up, so I began regular chiropractic treatments with the understanding that this doctor could unlock my hips and bring me back to physical health. Chiropractic care had always worked for me when I lived in Los Angeles, so I had no reason to think that it would not work this time, as well.
Unfortunately, that has not been the case and my condition is now far worse than it was three years ago. Yet when the doctor and I met the other day, he explained to me that there was no medical evidence to support these hip and pelvic problems. Yesterday, however, I discovered that I based upon how locked up my pelvis and hips actually are, the fact that I can even walk right now is only due to God’s amazing grace!
So as I was getting ready to workout in the pool yesterday morning, I had two revelations: (1) Three years later, the pool still terrifies me, and (2) I am slowly coming to the realization that perhaps working out in the pool is the one thing – if not the only thing – that is going to help me get some movement back into the lower half of my body. Yet, even with those revelations, getting ready to go swimming was both a mental and physical battle. In fact, even now (while writing this from the safety of my own living room), I get sick to my stomach every time I begin to think about any kind of pool workout.
I hate the swimming pool. Not because I am afraid of the water, but rather because swimming brings to the surface memories of abuse and the baggage that goes along with those memories. Ironically, at the same time I actually love the pool because it is when I am alone in the water that I also feel the most free!
Oh, Lord, I know that everything which takes place in our lives is for our good and Your glory, and is part of Your sovereign plan. Therefore …
Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation … The God of Israel Himself gives strength and power to the people.
~ Psalm 68:19,35
Father, even now, I pray that You will give me the strength and the power to simply get through this moment.