Back at My Heart

Today's Prayer ...
✞

Strong on the outside
But coming apart at the seams
That's me
Tragically always together 
But bruised underneath
That's me
I stand just to stumble
Tripping on my pride
Why do I always try to hide

Meanwhile back at my heart
I'm desperate for all that You are
Undo me, take me apart
Meanwhile back at my soul
Mend me, Lord, please make me whole
You know just where to start
Back at my heart, back at my heart

Patiently waiting 
To pick up the pieces of me
That's You
Healer of hearts
When the world leaves it broken in two
That's You
Maker of Heaven
The sky and the sea
When You stretched your arms
You reached for me, You reached for me

Meanwhile back at my heart
I'm desperate for all that You are
Undo me, and take me apart
Meanwhile back at my soul
Mend me, Lord, please make me whole
You know just where to start

Back at my heart
Back at my fear
Back at my brokenness
Lord meet me here
And though I'm exposed 
I'm not afraid anymore

I'm desperate for all that You are
Undo me and take me apart

Meanwhile back at my soul
Mend me, Lord, please make me whole
You know just where to start
Back at my heart, back at my heart
Back at my heart, back at my heart

Healer of hearts
When the world leaves it broken in two

That's You  

© Natalie Grant

Listen to the entire song here!

Called to Suffer

For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, 
Not only to believe in Him, 
But also to suffer for His sake.
~ Phil. 1:29

I came across this verse of Scripture during my quiet time Thursday morning and thought to myself, "there it is ... in black and white ... Paul's statement that while we (as believers) have been given the gift of believing in Christ (for salvation), we have also been called to suffer for His sake."

About an hour after reading that verse, I was in the middle of something when I started experiencing the kind of pain I used to experience when I was young, and all of a sudden I got a very clear understanding of how that pain was brought about. Wow! I was not expecting that. And while that sudden insight did not give me any clue as to who the perpetrator(s) were who caused me that kind of pain, I now understood exactly why I was always in pain and why I always had so many bladder infections as a kid.

Truth be told, I also realized that it really didn't matter who did it, because it was not going to change anything. The abuse I suffered happened because our sovereign God allowed it to happen. It was His choice, not mine.

Later that the morning I stopped by my church as I was really needing the peace, quiet and safety of the church sanctuary to sort out my thoughts about a few things. However, when I started to walk into it, I discovered that it was already in use by one of our choir groups, so I went and sat in the "kiss and cry" room, instead.

The kiss and cry room is a soundproof room with glass windows, just off the church sanctuary, where parents can take their squirmy or screaming children and comfort them, while still being able to see into the sanctuary and listen to the church service. (In theory, it's a great idea! In practicality, I really do wish our ushers would take a more active role in encouraging people to use it -- but that's just my opinion!)

But, I digress ...

As I sat in the k + c room, watching the worship team having so much fun rehearsing together, the truth of how little joy / happiness / fun I have in my life right now really hit me hard. To some extent, I have been very aware of my lack of happiness since this trial first began in 2009. I would also say that I have been in a fair amount of denial about it, as well! But, it wasn't until Thursday morning that I really allowed that fact to penetrate my "everything is fine" façade and actually let myself feel the pain of that truth.

Once the worship team was finished, I went and sat in the sanctuary itself. As I have said before, it really is a sanctuary for me. So while I'm sure many people on our church staff wonder why I go in there and sit in the dark, I am very grateful that they allow me to do so just the same! And, as I was sitting there, I thought about this verse ...

Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning.
~ Psalm 30:5

And that is when the tears began to flow. Just a few at first, until the flood gates opened and they came pouring out. Massive tears. Gut-wrenching tears. Can't-catch-my-breath sobs.

With tears in my eyes, as I poured out my heart to the Lord, one more thought crossed my mind, which was this: "If I had a friend like me in my life right now, I'd go running in the other direction!"  Thus, it seemed only fitting when I came across this verse yesterday morning:

I have become a reproach,
Especially to my neighbors, 
And an object of dread to my acquaintances;
Those who see me in the street flee from me.
~ Psalm 31:11

Truer words were never spoken! Because this trial has been so deep and has lasted for so long, it occurred to me that I have been such a "Debbie Downer" for so long even I would not want someone like me in my life right now! And I cannot help but wonder if the pastors to whom I've reached out feel the same way? Honestly, I would not blame them if they did!

It was at that moment in time when I truly wished the Lord would just take me home to be with Him. In fact, as I sat in the peace and quiet of the sanctuary, that was my prayer for at least the next 15 minutes. I didn't care if Jesus came back right then, or if my heart stopped working, I just wanted my life here on earth to be over so that I could enjoy the trial-free, tear-free life that awaits me in Heaven. Then this verse came to me ...

For in Him we live and move and have our being.
~ Acts. 17:28

Such a bulls eye of truth! Right now I do live, move, and have [my] being in Christ. I was bought with a price and as a result, I no longer belong to myself, so my life is no longer mine to do with as I please. I belong to Christ. And because of that fact, as long as I have breath in my lungs, I need to get on with the purpose of living my life here on earth!

O Father, help me! Help me to find happiness and joy, as I work through the pain and suffering of the abuse You allowed to take place in my life. Help me understand my purpose for being on this planet. Use my story and help me to be an encouragement to others who have also experienced or are suffering from the trauma of abuse. Help me keep my eyes on You; to find my shelter in You, and to live my life in a way that honors and glorifies You on a daily basis. In Christ's most Holy and Precious Name, that is my prayer to You today ...
✞ 
 
You who have shown me many troubles and distresses will revive me again,
And will bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
May You increase my greatness and turn to comfort me.
~Psalm 71:20-21

Pioneer or Settler

I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
~ Heb. 13:5

Good food for thought ...

In one of his books, A.W. Tozer (the great Canadian preacher and author) says, "God works as long as His people live daringly. He ceases when they no longer need His aid."

Are we walking by faith or by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7)? Through reading Tozer's book, I was reminded that whenever God's people were on the move, God moved with them. When they stopped, God also stopped. Remember the great exodus from Egypt into the wilderness? God led the Israelites by a pillar of fire at night and  by a cloud during the day. It's exciting to serve the Lord, but the Lord likes to move with His people as they are walking the walk of faith.  (© Angus Buchan - A Mustard Seed)

What about you? Are you moving forward or standing still? While moving forward in our own walk of faith can often be difficult and scary, God is beside us every step of the way, cheering us on!

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The Gift

Today was good ... for a while, anyway! And then slowly, very slowly, the stress and tension returned and I could feel every fiber of my being start to twitch as I headed towards a severe (physical) panic attack. So, I did the only thing I could do ... I jumped into my car and drove over to my church.

Thank God for the sanctuary at my church because it truly has become a sanctuary for me - especially during times like these - and today was no different. I spent 90 minutes there this afternoon, in prayer and communion with God.

Hear the voice of my supplications when I cry to You for help, 
When I lift up my hands toward Your holy sanctuary.
~ Psalm 28:2

One of the things I realized this morning, after reading this verse, is that while I have spent the last five days crying out to the Lord, my cries have been focused on the why and how of my suffering, instead of asking for the Lord's help to get me through each moment. Shame on me!

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; 
A broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
~ Psalm 51:17

Let's face it: physically I am really having a hard time right now. And, while I have reached out to a couple of my pastors and requested their prayers, I have not really reached out to the One I most need to help me get through this pain. Not in the way that I should, at least. O Father, forgive me!

Another thing I realized this morning is that while I have been struggling with this situation, I have also been fighting it. Let me explain:

Years ago my parents were getting ready to board a transatlantic flight. Waiting in the gate area with them was a family of five: mom, dad and three young children, one of whom was throwing a very loud -- and very fierce -- temper tantrum! 

When the mom returned from using the ladies room, my mother struck up a conversation with this young woman and complimented her on how well she was handling the situation, especially because she could see that all of the other people in the waiting area were getting quite annoyed, and my mom could tell that they were really hoping this temper tantrum would end before boarding began. So what was that young woman's response to my mom? 

"I've learned that it begins when it begins and it ends when it ends, and there's nothing I can do until that happens."  

Smart woman!

And, that's exactly what I need to remember: During those moments of stress, anxiety and panic, when my body starts shaking nonstop and I feel myself shutting down, I need to focus on staying present, clinging to the Lord and crying out to Him, knowing that this, too, shall pass -- whenever He chooses to allow it to end.

Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from the Father of lights, 
with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.
~James 1:17

One of the final revelations I had today came this afternoon while I was in the church sanctuary. It took the entire 90 minutes of being there for the shaking to stop and for me to reach the point where I could catch my breath. Ninety minutes of crying out to God for His comfort, asking Him for His help to stay focused and present in my body, clinging to His strength because I had none of my own.

And that's when I realized it: this entire situation is actually a gift from God. A gift of His choosing. A gift He actually chose for me!

Why? I have NO idea! But obviously, there is something I need to learn from it. And, there is something that He wants to accomplish through it.

Several months ago, I read this quote by Mother Teresa: I know God loves me. I just wish He didn't trust me so much! And that's exactly how I feel!

Right now I'm okay. I am present in my body and I'm okay. How long will it last? I don't know. But I am very grateful for this exact moment in time. And, if, in the moment after this one, things start to get bad, I hope I can remember to cry out to the One Who loves me more than I will ever know; Who chose to give me this gift and Who promises to be with me always. All I need do is ask!

✞

Even If ...

 The heart knows its own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy.
~ Proverbs 14:10

I'd be lying if I said the last few days have been easy. They haven't. In fact, I am in the middle of some of the most physically difficult days I've had in quite a long time. 

One of the questions I emailed to my pastor the other day was this: "How can this (my current physical struggle) be God's best for me?" 

His response? "Because some things that are really good in our lives can only be accomplished through difficulty. A diamond and a pencil lead are composed of the same ingredients but a diamond is formed under intense pressure. So, be ready to be a diamond!"

I wish I could say that I believe him. But, as I struggle to get through each moment: to get out of bed; to feel safe enough to take a shower and get dressed; to stay present in my body without curling up in a ball on the floor, I cannot even think about becoming "a diamond."

This morning I heard this song by Kutless and I realized that to a great degree, it is my prayer right now ...

Even If

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come

©  Kutless

I wish there was a playbook for recovery from abuse. A book that tells you how long it will take and what to do when x, y and z happens. But there isn't because everyone's journey is different, including mine. 

So while I struggle just to get through the day, shaken to the core of my being, I pray that I can truly ...

Cast [my] burden upon the Lord and He will sustain [me]; 
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
~ Psalm 55:22
✞

P.S. Want to hear EVEN IF in its entirety? Listen here!

The Will of God

As I find myself coming to terms with the fact that "recovery" is proving to be far more difficult than "realization," I am really struggling to believe this right now ...

The will of God will never take you, where the grace of God cannot keep you, where the arms of God cannot support you, where the riches of God cannot supply your needs, where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you, where the Spirit of God cannot work through you, where the wisdom of God cannot teach you, where the army of God cannot protect you, where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you, where the love of God cannot enfold you, where the mercies of God cannot sustain you, where the peace of God cannot calm your fears, where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you, where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears, where the Word of God cannot feed you, where the miracles of God cannot be done for you, where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.
 
– Author Unknown

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Enclosed

You have enclosed me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

~ Psalm 139:5

As I was reading through Psalm 139 this morning, this verse really struck a chord with me. The study notes in my Bible had this to say about it:

 “God used circumstances to limit David’s actions.”

Isn’t that great! In order to keep David from (possibly) doing something stupid (for which he would later suffer the consequences) or something that would disgrace his Lord (like his bad, bad decision to get involved with Bathsheba), God actually brought a set of circumstances into David’s life that [basically] kept his hands tied.

I have a confession to make: Not once have I ever viewed the circumstances in my life as God’s way of limiting my actions. Far from it! But, perhaps it is time to start doing so ... 

Let’s face it: As human beings, we have an enormous capacity to mess up our lives in big and small ways. And then, when the consequences of those [bad] decisions begin to show up, we wonder why! 

For most of the past 4 years, I have been in constant pain. Truth be told, I actually cannot even remember what it is like to be pain-free. Personally, I do hope that one day – in this lifetime – I will have the opportunity to experience complete, total, and pain-free movement in my body … but [apparently] today is not that day!

So while I do not understand the circumstances (of constant pain) that God has allowed into my life, I am trusting that He is using them – even now – to keep me exactly where He wants me to be, in order to accomplish what He wants to accomplish in my life.

What about you? Are you fighting the circumstances of your life – whatever they may be? Or are you willing to accept them, trusting that God is using them in your life to limit your own actions – and perhaps even protect you – just as he did in the life of His servant, David?

Most Holy Father, thank You for always looking out for us, even when we choose not to look out for ourselves! Thank You for bringing people and circumstances into our lives, in order to limit our actions and keep us from making [yet] one more mistake or bad decision that does not glorify You. And, most importantly, thank You for loving us in spite of ourselves! Be glorified in our lives, both now and forevermore.

✞

The Lord will accomplish what concerns me;

Your lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting;

Do not forsake the works of Your hands.

~ Psalm 138:8