Waiting on God

Leave it to God to state the obvious!

Let me explain . . .

Years ago, as I was wrestling with my faith and trying to figure out exactly what I believed about God, let alone whether or not I actually believed in Him, I was speaking with a friend of mine who shared with me that he had had a similar trial. 

He then went on to explain to me that as he struggled through his own situation he came to the realization that he had two choices: he could either pursue God or he could pursue self . . .


. . . HE COULD NOT. DO. BOTH.




At the time, I didn't really understand exactly what he meant by pursue God or pursue self. And, even though I was so angry at God that I had absolutely no interest in reading His Word, I decided to do so anyway and started reading through the book of Psalms because I considered them "pretty harmless!"

And here's what happened . . .

 

The more I read His Word, the hungrier I became for it (even though I was still struggling with my belief in Him).

As a result . . .

Through my faithfulness, the more I continued to read my Bible, the more God started revealing His Word to me . . . and I actually started UNDERSTANDING WHAT I WAS READING!


Now, just to give you a better idea of how I previously "read" Scripture, there were times when I would say, "Okay, Lord, I'm going to open my Bible and point to a passage of Scripture, and ask You to show me what you want to say to me today."

And then I would do exactly that: I would open my Bible, turn a few random pages until I "felt" like I was on the page God wanted me to be on; close my eyes; point to a Bible verse and read it to myself.

And it would say . . . 

. . . AND JOB WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

Okay, it really didn't say that but I am willing to bet you know exactly what I'm talking about! :)

Which brings us to today's reading and today's "light bulb moment" . . .

I wait for the Lord,

My soul does wait,

And in His word do I hope.

~ Psalm 130: 5

Ummm . . . Can I be honest with you? I think I have been fooling myself over this whole health situation, because as I read that verse I realized one very important fact: I have NOT been waiting on God over this situation . . . AT ALL! See, here's the real scoop:

While this is what waiting on the Lord should look like . . .

This would be a more honest representation of my situation . . .

The good news is that I finally understand the pursue God vs. pursue self concept, and, as a result, I have spent a great deal of time in prayer about this situation with my health. I have prayed that God would help me to love Him more; I have prayed that He would be glorified in this situation no matter how it turns out; BUT . . . actually waiting on Him? Yeah, I don't think so!

My doctor said it would probably take about two years before I would start to feel better. I was expecting to feel better after two days. Then two weeks. Now I have had my sights set on feeling better after two months (August 28th). But, two years? Oh, just shoot me now!

As I stated in my opening sentence of this blog . . . Leave it to God to state the obvious . . . especially through His Word!

Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
~ Isaiah 40:31

Sounds like a good plan, doesn't it?

If so, then perhaps you and I can learn how to wait together!
✞

Not My Own

Isn't it funny how, when you choose to honestly surrender your life to God, asking Him to do whatever He wills, He always takes you up on your offer?

That being said, what I was not expecting to discover in doing so (after two blood draws last month involving 100+ different blood panels) is the fact that I truly am in a life and death struggle ... for my own life! Yet, if I believe what I say I believe, the truth of the matter is this: my life is not my own! It belongs to my Heavenly Father to do with as He chooses.

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.
~ Acts 20:24

So as I process the truth of my situation, I only have one prayer: that I will do the things the doctors have told me I must do for myself, to improve my health (Lord willing), while leaving the final  results up to Him -- even if they do not turn out the way I want them to in the end.
✞ 

Even If ...

 The heart knows its own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy.
~ Proverbs 14:10

I'd be lying if I said the last few days have been easy. They haven't. In fact, I am in the middle of some of the most physically difficult days I've had in quite a long time. 

One of the questions I emailed to my pastor the other day was this: "How can this (my current physical struggle) be God's best for me?" 

His response? "Because some things that are really good in our lives can only be accomplished through difficulty. A diamond and a pencil lead are composed of the same ingredients but a diamond is formed under intense pressure. So, be ready to be a diamond!"

I wish I could say that I believe him. But, as I struggle to get through each moment: to get out of bed; to feel safe enough to take a shower and get dressed; to stay present in my body without curling up in a ball on the floor, I cannot even think about becoming "a diamond."

This morning I heard this song by Kutless and I realized that to a great degree, it is my prayer right now ...

Even If

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come

©  Kutless

I wish there was a playbook for recovery from abuse. A book that tells you how long it will take and what to do when x, y and z happens. But there isn't because everyone's journey is different, including mine. 

So while I struggle just to get through the day, shaken to the core of my being, I pray that I can truly ...

Cast [my] burden upon the Lord and He will sustain [me]; 
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
~ Psalm 55:22
✞

P.S. Want to hear EVEN IF in its entirety? Listen here!

The Will of God

As I find myself coming to terms with the fact that "recovery" is proving to be far more difficult than "realization," I am really struggling to believe this right now ...

The will of God will never take you, where the grace of God cannot keep you, where the arms of God cannot support you, where the riches of God cannot supply your needs, where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you, where the Spirit of God cannot work through you, where the wisdom of God cannot teach you, where the army of God cannot protect you, where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you, where the love of God cannot enfold you, where the mercies of God cannot sustain you, where the peace of God cannot calm your fears, where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you, where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears, where the Word of God cannot feed you, where the miracles of God cannot be done for you, where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.
 
– Author Unknown

✞