It's really been a rough couple of days, and right now this song by Steven Curtis Chapman expresses exactly how I feel:
I Will Trust You
I don't even wanna breathe right now
All I wanna do is close my eyes
But I don't wanna open them again
Until I'm standing on the other side
I don't even wanna be right now
I don't wanna think another thought
And I don't wanna feel this pain I feel
And right now, pain is all I've got
It feels like it's all I've got, but I know it's not
No, I know You're all I've got
And I will trust You, I'll trust You
Trust You, God, I will
Even when I don't understand, even then I will say again
You are my God, and I will trust You
God, I'm longing for the day to come
When this cloudy glass I'm looking through
Is shattered in a million pieces
And finally I can just see You
God, You know I believe it's true
I know I will see You
But until the day I do
I will trust You, trust You
Trust You, God, I will
Even when I don't understand
Even then I will say again
You are my God, and I'll trust You
And with every breath I take
And for every day that breaks
I will trust You
I will trust You
And when nothing is making sense
Even then I will say again
God, I trust You
I will trust You
I know Your heart is good
I know Your love is strong
And I know Your plans for me
Are much better than my own
So I will trust You, trust You
I trust You, God, I do
Even when I can't see the end
And I will trust You
I will trust You, I will
Even when I don't understand
Even then I will say again
I will trust You, I will trust You, I will
I know Your heart is good,
Your love is strong,
Your plans for me are better than my own
Yeah, Your heart is good
Your love is strong
Your plans for me are better than my own
And I trust You
You are my God
And I will trust You
© Steven Curtis Chapman
Trusting Him to help me through this pain...
✞
P.S. If you want to listen to "I Will Trust You," you can do so here!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Grace Undeserved
Today I experienced a measure of God’s undeserved grace that really shook me up – so much so that every time I think about it, it still freaks me out.
As I was driving to school today I ended up behind a really slow driver and decided to change lanes. Unfortunately, I did so without looking to see if anyone was already in that lane, so you can imagine my surprise when I looked in my rearview mirror and saw a red car about two feet behind me. I was stunned, especially since changing lanes without looking isn’t something I normally do. I was also extremely grateful that I didn’t hit the guy; not so much because of the damage it would have done to my car but because of the fact that I didn’t injure him. And that’s when I realized that I had truly just experienced a moment of God’s undeserved grace … TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY UNDESERVED GRACE!
You see the truth of the matter is that I deserved to hit him. Now don’t misunderstand me. He didn’t deserve to be hit, but because of my carelessness I deserved whatever would have happened to me had I hit him. So I’m truly amazed by the fact that in that particular moment in time, God chose to rescue me, since I did absolutely nothing to deserve His grace. Not then, not ever.
“Although I am less than the least of all God’s people, this grace was given me …” (Ephesians 3:8a)
Thank you, Father, for loving me far more than I deserve or will ever possibly understand.
✞
As I was driving to school today I ended up behind a really slow driver and decided to change lanes. Unfortunately, I did so without looking to see if anyone was already in that lane, so you can imagine my surprise when I looked in my rearview mirror and saw a red car about two feet behind me. I was stunned, especially since changing lanes without looking isn’t something I normally do. I was also extremely grateful that I didn’t hit the guy; not so much because of the damage it would have done to my car but because of the fact that I didn’t injure him. And that’s when I realized that I had truly just experienced a moment of God’s undeserved grace … TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY UNDESERVED GRACE!
You see the truth of the matter is that I deserved to hit him. Now don’t misunderstand me. He didn’t deserve to be hit, but because of my carelessness I deserved whatever would have happened to me had I hit him. So I’m truly amazed by the fact that in that particular moment in time, God chose to rescue me, since I did absolutely nothing to deserve His grace. Not then, not ever.
“Although I am less than the least of all God’s people, this grace was given me …” (Ephesians 3:8a)
Thank you, Father, for loving me far more than I deserve or will ever possibly understand.
✞
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Great Book to Check Out!
Just finished reading Dave Sterrett's book, "Why Trust Jesus." I highly recommend it!
✞
✞
Friday, September 10, 2010
Faithful
One of my absolute favorite musicians on the planet is Steven Curtis Chapman (SCC). His heart for God and his ability to portray real life through his music is beyond compare … at least in how it speaks to me.
Last Fall I spent quite a bit of time listening to his latest album, “Beauty Will Rise,” as I found it gave me a great deal of comfort for where I was in my life.
After receiving an email from someone yesterday in which I was given some bad news around my business, I realized that I was actually scared because I have no answers as to exactly what it is that God is doing in my life right now.
Today I happened to put on SCC’s album again and one of the songs he wrote really spoke to me. Perhaps it will speak to you, as well:
Faithful
I am broken, I am bleeding
I’m scared and I’m confused
But You are faithful, yes, You are faithful
I am weary in believing
God please help my unbelief
‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful
I will proclaim it to the world
I will declare it to my heart
I’ll sing it when the sun is shining
I will scream it in the dark
You are faithful, You are faithful
When You give and when You take away
Even then still Your name is faithful
You are faithful
And with everything inside of me
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful
I am waiting for the rescue
That I know is sure to come
‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful
And I’ve dropped anchor in Your promises and I am holding on
“Cause You are faithful, God, You are faithful
I will proclaim it to the world
I will declare it to my heart
I will sing it when the sun is shining
I will scream it in the dark
You are faithful, You are faithful
When You give and when You take away
Even then still Your name is faithful
You are faithful
And with everything inside of me
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful
When I cannot have the answer
That I’m wanting to demand
I’ll remember You are God
And everything is in Your hands
With Your hands You put the sun and moon and stars up in the sky
For the sake of love You hung Your own Son on the cross to die
And You are faithful,
Yes, You are faithful
When You give, when You take away even then
Great is Your faithfulness
Great is Your faithfulness
And with everything inside of me
I am choosing to believe
You’re faithful
© Steven Curtis Chapman
I would like to tell you that after listening to this song, I was no longer scared, but that would be a lie. Yes, I do have more peace than I did last night. However, I am still very scared.
In the short (written) introduction to the song, Steven talks about one of the Bible verses that had been particularly important to him around God’s faithfulness. Here’s the verse he refers to:
“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.’ The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:21-26 ESV)
This struggle with my business has been going on for more than a year now, and honestly, I am very tired and hanging on by a thread these days. However, I am grateful that my faith in Him is stronger this week, than it was last week, and I am hopeful that next week it will be stronger than it is this week.
So for now, as SCC wrote above, this is my prayer …
And with everything inside of me
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful
✞
P.S. If you want to listen to "Faithful," you can do so here!
Last Fall I spent quite a bit of time listening to his latest album, “Beauty Will Rise,” as I found it gave me a great deal of comfort for where I was in my life.
After receiving an email from someone yesterday in which I was given some bad news around my business, I realized that I was actually scared because I have no answers as to exactly what it is that God is doing in my life right now.
Today I happened to put on SCC’s album again and one of the songs he wrote really spoke to me. Perhaps it will speak to you, as well:
Faithful
I am broken, I am bleeding
I’m scared and I’m confused
But You are faithful, yes, You are faithful
I am weary in believing
God please help my unbelief
‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful
I will proclaim it to the world
I will declare it to my heart
I’ll sing it when the sun is shining
I will scream it in the dark
You are faithful, You are faithful
When You give and when You take away
Even then still Your name is faithful
You are faithful
And with everything inside of me
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful
I am waiting for the rescue
That I know is sure to come
‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful
And I’ve dropped anchor in Your promises and I am holding on
“Cause You are faithful, God, You are faithful
I will proclaim it to the world
I will declare it to my heart
I will sing it when the sun is shining
I will scream it in the dark
You are faithful, You are faithful
When You give and when You take away
Even then still Your name is faithful
You are faithful
And with everything inside of me
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful
When I cannot have the answer
That I’m wanting to demand
I’ll remember You are God
And everything is in Your hands
With Your hands You put the sun and moon and stars up in the sky
For the sake of love You hung Your own Son on the cross to die
And You are faithful,
Yes, You are faithful
When You give, when You take away even then
Great is Your faithfulness
Great is Your faithfulness
And with everything inside of me
I am choosing to believe
You’re faithful
© Steven Curtis Chapman
I would like to tell you that after listening to this song, I was no longer scared, but that would be a lie. Yes, I do have more peace than I did last night. However, I am still very scared.
In the short (written) introduction to the song, Steven talks about one of the Bible verses that had been particularly important to him around God’s faithfulness. Here’s the verse he refers to:
“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.’ The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:21-26 ESV)
This struggle with my business has been going on for more than a year now, and honestly, I am very tired and hanging on by a thread these days. However, I am grateful that my faith in Him is stronger this week, than it was last week, and I am hopeful that next week it will be stronger than it is this week.
So for now, as SCC wrote above, this is my prayer …
And with everything inside of me
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful
✞
P.S. If you want to listen to "Faithful," you can do so here!
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Goodness of God
Last weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about one of the issues I have with God at the moment, which has really made me question His goodness.
It started last November when I read this verse in Psalm 121:
“The Lord will keep you from all harm -- he will watch over your life.” (Psalm 121:7 NIV)
In light of some of the things that have happened in my life, the first thought that crossed my mind when I read that verse -- and which I shared with my pastor -- was “what a load of crap!” (Again, my goal here is to be completely transparent with you, so that was my honest reaction. Gratefully, my pastor is not judgmental!)
I can’t tell you how angry that verse made me! And while my pastor explained to me that I needed to put it into context (i.e. remember who the Psalms were written for, and what was taking place in the world at that point in time), it still really made me mad. It also made me really start questioning not only the goodness of God, but if “He” was “the God” I wanted to follow and the One in Whom I wanted to believe. As a result of all my questioning, I completely lost my ability to trust Him.
Can I be honest with you? Even though I’ve believed in God since childhood, during the past 10 months, as I’ve gotten a clearer picture of what has taken place in my life, I’m still not in a place where I’m ready to trust Him 100%. The good news is that none of this comes as a surprise to Him, as He knows my thoughts before I think them, and my words before I say them. ☺
I wish I could tell you that I don’t challenge God to “prove” Himself to me, but that would be a lie. Instead, for the last couple of weeks, I have literally asked Him to reveal Himself -- and His goodness -- to me every single day. And while He has faithfully done so, even now I still cannot yet worship Him as He deserves. However, I am hopeful that one day in the not-too-distant-future I will be able to do so once again!
Have a blessed weekend ...
✞
It started last November when I read this verse in Psalm 121:
“The Lord will keep you from all harm -- he will watch over your life.” (Psalm 121:7 NIV)
In light of some of the things that have happened in my life, the first thought that crossed my mind when I read that verse -- and which I shared with my pastor -- was “what a load of crap!” (Again, my goal here is to be completely transparent with you, so that was my honest reaction. Gratefully, my pastor is not judgmental!)
I can’t tell you how angry that verse made me! And while my pastor explained to me that I needed to put it into context (i.e. remember who the Psalms were written for, and what was taking place in the world at that point in time), it still really made me mad. It also made me really start questioning not only the goodness of God, but if “He” was “the God” I wanted to follow and the One in Whom I wanted to believe. As a result of all my questioning, I completely lost my ability to trust Him.
Can I be honest with you? Even though I’ve believed in God since childhood, during the past 10 months, as I’ve gotten a clearer picture of what has taken place in my life, I’m still not in a place where I’m ready to trust Him 100%. The good news is that none of this comes as a surprise to Him, as He knows my thoughts before I think them, and my words before I say them. ☺
I wish I could tell you that I don’t challenge God to “prove” Himself to me, but that would be a lie. Instead, for the last couple of weeks, I have literally asked Him to reveal Himself -- and His goodness -- to me every single day. And while He has faithfully done so, even now I still cannot yet worship Him as He deserves. However, I am hopeful that one day in the not-too-distant-future I will be able to do so once again!
Have a blessed weekend ...
✞
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Empty on the Inside
In an effort to be as transparent as possible, and with the desire to encourage others through my own experiences, I have to be honest with you: I’m really struggling with my faith right now – all the way around.
First of all, I’m struggling physically with a painful issue that I’ve been dealing with off and on for several years now, and which has really kicked into high gear recently. Unfortunately, it is something that cannot be cured by a physician, but instead, falls under the category of Paul’s prayer:
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:8-9 NIV)
However, if I’m honest with myself -- and with you -- I’m not finding His grace to be sufficient at all right now.
Secondly, as you may have read in my very first blog, back in June I finally discovered what the core struggle of my faith was really about. And while I cannot yet share the details of my struggle, another big challenge I’m having is trying to find my “delight in God.”
I recently read this quote in John Piper’s book, “When I Don’t Desire God”:
"We must delight in God. And only God can change our hearts so that we delight in God."
Unfortunately, I’m not finding any delight in God. Instead, I’m finding myself really being challenged by this quote from Randy Alcorn:
"The almighty God who created us is the same holy God who condemned us as sinners and the same loving God who went to extraordinary lengths that we might go to Heaven."
Ironically, before I ever read that statement, I wrote this in an email to someone earlier this year:
“God created us for Himself, but doesn't need us; Wants to be in relationship with us but won't force it; Wants us to worship Him and have faith in Him, yet will destroy us if we don't believe; Is perfect yet cannot be in relationship with us (even though He created us), without the need to create and send Christ to earth.”
Seriously? You created us; condemned us, and then sent your Son to die for us? What’s up with that?!!
And yet, although I am not finding His grace sufficient, and am unable to find my delight in Him, He continues to be faithful to me through answered prayer.
Last week, in an effort to (hopefully) recreate the intimate relationship He and I have shared in the past, I asked God to show Himself to me through His creation because until a couple of years ago, it was the one way in which I was really able to celebrate His glory.
So, in answer to my prayer, over the past several days He has provided the most amazing cloud formations I’ve ever seen; some absolutely fabulous thunder storms; several rainbows; a double rainbow, and then this afternoon He sent this doe and her fawn to my backyard.
Yet even through all of this, I’m still finding myself unable to worship Him as He deserves to be worshiped.
Truth be told, I miss the close relationship we’ve shared. I miss being in awe of His creation. I miss having a heart of true worship. I miss the simplicity of taking Him at His word no matter what my human mind may tell me.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV)
But most importantly I miss being able to accept, without question, the fact that …
“Our God is in heaven. He does what he pleases.” (Psalm 115:3 NCV)
So for now, I find myself feeling incredibly empty on the inside. And while I know that we’re not supposed to trust our feelings, as the creative, emotional human being that He made me to be, those feelings are a very strong part of who I am and Whose I am.
Until next time …
✞
First of all, I’m struggling physically with a painful issue that I’ve been dealing with off and on for several years now, and which has really kicked into high gear recently. Unfortunately, it is something that cannot be cured by a physician, but instead, falls under the category of Paul’s prayer:
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:8-9 NIV)
However, if I’m honest with myself -- and with you -- I’m not finding His grace to be sufficient at all right now.
Secondly, as you may have read in my very first blog, back in June I finally discovered what the core struggle of my faith was really about. And while I cannot yet share the details of my struggle, another big challenge I’m having is trying to find my “delight in God.”
I recently read this quote in John Piper’s book, “When I Don’t Desire God”:
"We must delight in God. And only God can change our hearts so that we delight in God."
Unfortunately, I’m not finding any delight in God. Instead, I’m finding myself really being challenged by this quote from Randy Alcorn:
"The almighty God who created us is the same holy God who condemned us as sinners and the same loving God who went to extraordinary lengths that we might go to Heaven."
Ironically, before I ever read that statement, I wrote this in an email to someone earlier this year:
“God created us for Himself, but doesn't need us; Wants to be in relationship with us but won't force it; Wants us to worship Him and have faith in Him, yet will destroy us if we don't believe; Is perfect yet cannot be in relationship with us (even though He created us), without the need to create and send Christ to earth.”
Seriously? You created us; condemned us, and then sent your Son to die for us? What’s up with that?!!
And yet, although I am not finding His grace sufficient, and am unable to find my delight in Him, He continues to be faithful to me through answered prayer.
Last week, in an effort to (hopefully) recreate the intimate relationship He and I have shared in the past, I asked God to show Himself to me through His creation because until a couple of years ago, it was the one way in which I was really able to celebrate His glory.
So, in answer to my prayer, over the past several days He has provided the most amazing cloud formations I’ve ever seen; some absolutely fabulous thunder storms; several rainbows; a double rainbow, and then this afternoon He sent this doe and her fawn to my backyard.
Yet even through all of this, I’m still finding myself unable to worship Him as He deserves to be worshiped.
Truth be told, I miss the close relationship we’ve shared. I miss being in awe of His creation. I miss having a heart of true worship. I miss the simplicity of taking Him at His word no matter what my human mind may tell me.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV)
But most importantly I miss being able to accept, without question, the fact that …
“Our God is in heaven. He does what he pleases.” (Psalm 115:3 NCV)
So for now, I find myself feeling incredibly empty on the inside. And while I know that we’re not supposed to trust our feelings, as the creative, emotional human being that He made me to be, those feelings are a very strong part of who I am and Whose I am.
Until next time …
✞
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Catching Up
As I continue to recover from the place of complete burnout, exhaustion and crankiness I've been in for the last few weeks, I wish I had some brilliant revelations to share with you, but I don't!
However, I did read this quote the other day (in a book by John Piper), in which he talks about the importance of asking others to pray for us. While I love what he says, I'm also saddened to say that it also represents my heart right now:
"We should to confess to them [others] our struggles, and we should ask them to pray that we would be 'healed' from our half-hearted love for Jesus."
So as I continue to struggle with my complete inability to understand what God is doing in my life right now -- except keep me off-balance -- I would ask you to pray for me, that I can love Him with my whole heart and truly trust that He is, indeed, in control!
Thanks ...
✞
However, I did read this quote the other day (in a book by John Piper), in which he talks about the importance of asking others to pray for us. While I love what he says, I'm also saddened to say that it also represents my heart right now:
"We should to confess to them [others] our struggles, and we should ask them to pray that we would be 'healed' from our half-hearted love for Jesus."
So as I continue to struggle with my complete inability to understand what God is doing in my life right now -- except keep me off-balance -- I would ask you to pray for me, that I can love Him with my whole heart and truly trust that He is, indeed, in control!
Thanks ...
✞
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